The world of wine is replete with terms like “nose” and “vintage.” True wine connoisseurs are stone-cold serious about every detail of the fermented grape juice they swish around in their mouths. While I can appreciate their obsession, for many of us, it is a journey we are not willing to take. However, that does not mean we do not enjoy some vino like the well-dressed wine crowd. Many of us cut our teeth on wine as we were coming of age. Well, at least the bottle said it was wine. These were not exactly bottles of Chateau Lafite Rothschild. These were more focused on their bargain prices than they were on bouquets and aromas. 

The Best of Back Alley Wines

In fact, as I write this, something in my memory is stirring, and I can almost smell the bottle opening. Ok, I am also now breaking out in a cold sweat. Maybe the memories aren’t so good. The truth is that these wines were little more than brown bag party fuel. Even now, some of you are getting that weird feeling on the back of your tongue that is officially known as regret. Let’s take a walk down memory lane and look at some of the “best” brown bag back alley wines!

Bark At The… MAD DOG 20/20

Ah, yes, the undisputed king of the realm. Mad Dog 20/20’s official description states that it is “made with juicy, luscious fruit infused with tasty flavors to create a unique variety of MD 20/20 selections. It’s an incredibly smooth, delicious delight with the perfect balance of sweetness and a hint of tartness.” Like you, I literally laughed out loud. The MD actually stands for its producer, Mogen David. Originally, the 20/20 stood for 20 ounces and 20 percent alcohol. This is considered an American fortified wine. Fortified with what, I do not know. 

What I do know is that there is a reason this bum wine is found in a dark, back corner and on the bottom shelf. While this may stir memories of the past for you, know that the Angry K9 is still on the shelves today. It is available in nine flavors and even has canned options. Mad Dog 20/20 is eternal and destined to quench the thirst of cheap wine drinkers across the fruited plain. Or more likely give them a cheap giggle followed by a morning or regret and aspirin.

Take A Trip To… BOONE’S FARM

A wine that is close to the heels of Mad Dog is our beloved Boone’s Farm. While debatable, Boone’s Farm must be the sweetest tasting of our flashbacks. It will undoubtedly go down in many people’s histories as the instigator of countless sugary, drunken nights. Priced right and popular with the ladies, it was an easy go-to when you were looking for some go-juice. The maker of Boone’s Farm is E. & J. Gallo. While not as well known today, the names Ernest and Julio Gallo were well known back in the day. Long before the fun police yanked most booze commercials off the television, we were regularly barraged with commercials from the wine bros.

To the surprise of many, E. & J. Gallo has a stable of more reputable wines as well. In fact, the company earns $4.1 billion every year and owns 20,000 acres of California’s prime wine-growing land. Right now, some of you are calculating just how much of that billion-dollar sales figure you contributed. But we were not interested in the finer things in life at that time. We simply wanted booze and our less-than-six-figure salaries meant we were hitting the bottom shelf. At least the label seemed to have an Italian-looking villa on it.

Climb Aboard The… NIGHT TRAIN

In my opinion, our next wine has the best name. It’s time to get aboard the Night Train! This is another liquid gem from the Gallo brothers. While nobody at the company will admit it, the label on the bottle had a definite Soul Train vibe. Created in the ’60s, Night Train became an instant hit and picked up the street nickname “Ticket.” Apparently in an attempt to “preserve their good name,” the Gallo name never appeared on the bottles, instead listing the producer as the non-existent Night Train Limited, Modesto, California.

Interestingly, Gallo never even marketed the wine. It simply showed up on shelves and sold itself. It became a bit of an icon when Jake in Blues Brothers proclaimed “That Night Train’s a mean wine” as he is rubbing his head. Guns N’ Roses even got aboard and recorded a song called Nightrain as a tip of the hat to cheap booze. Unfortunately, the end of the track has finally come, and Night Train is no more. E. & J. Gallo continued even in the end to essentially deny the existence of Night Train by providing no announcement of its demise. My guess is that a company trying to exist in the more dignified wine world is not going to be quick to shine a light on its bargain-basement past. The memory will live on though.

Pucker Up For… THUNDERBIRD

Before we took a ride on the Night Train, we were dazzled by the intriguing flavor of Thunderbird. Born in the ’50s, “The American Classic” as its label proudly boasts, is Thunderbird, a creation of none other than E. & J. Gallo Winery. Before Thunderbird, E. & J. Gallo was just another winemaker trying to make a name for themselves. Then in 1954, two sales managers shared that they had seen liquor store owners placing lemon Kool-Aid packs next to white port wine. Customers were mixing the two and creating a popular street drink. Immediately the team of winemakers was ordered to create a lemon-flavored wine. The product was Thunderbird, and it was a hit. 

The company pushed hard on marketing and even did some shady things as well. It has been rumored but never confirmed that Gallo salesmen deposited Thunderbird empties in the streets of skid-row neighborhoods to build brand awareness among the street people. While the wine was a huge success, it had a relationship very similar to Night Train. The company eventually pulled its name off the label but continued to sell it. As one writer described it, “Like Dr. Frankenstein’s monster, Thunderbird was disowned and abandoned by its creator and left to run amok on its own.” Regardless of its history, Thunderbird is an icon in the cheap wine world.

Get Surprised By… CISCO

Next on the list is something called Cisco. I say “something” because I honestly don’t really know what the hell it is. It falls into the wine category, but I think that’s because they didn’t know where else to put it. Soul crusher simply isn’t a category. To give you a better idea of its reputation, just know that it is known as “liquid crack.” Long before the get-hammered-quick concoctions like Four Loco hit the shelves, we had Cisco. It is a fortified wine that has a syrupy consistency and sweet taste. Because of its original color and bottle shape, it was frequently mistaken for a wine cooler. The Federal Trade Commission eventually required the company to put labels on their bottles stating that Cisco is not a wine cooler, to change the shape and color of their containers, and to recall their advertising slogan, “Takes you by surprise.” 

Cisco was for one thing and one thing only; to get your buzz on at light speed. According to the National Council on Alcoholism & Drug Dependence, “A bottle of Cisco about the size of a soft drink contains the equivalent of five shots of vodka.” But there is a price to pay for this expedient intoxication. First is that the flavor seems to have been designed by some dark lord. If you do manage to choke it down, you will at some point end up in a fight, disappoint your father and lie naked by a toilet. If you can find it, embrace the concept of drinker beware!

Sing Along With… WILD IRISH ROSE

Have some fun as we move to a gentler selection. Wild Irish Rose wine is akin to Mad Dog 20/20. As you crack the seal on the ever-elegant screw cap, you are deluged with the aroma of fruit and remorse. Your first sip will have you immediately saying, “Yup, bum wine.” As with so many of our selections here today, it may be difficult to call this a wine. Let’s just say that it is wine inspired. The Rose was introduced in 1954 and at its height sold about two million cases annually. The brand is available in 13.9% and 18% alcohol by volume and comes in both “red” and “white” varieties. The red is described as tasting like “cheap cherry hard candy” and the white like “crunchy milk and fake vanilla.” If that doesn’t make you grab the keys and head to the liquor store, nothing will!

Make It Last With… BUCKFAST

And finally, we round out our look at brown bag “wines” with Buckfast. This is a guest from across the pond and has found a following here in the states. Officially called Buckfast Tonic Wine, it is a tonic wine with added alcohol, caffeine, and sugar, and produced under license from Buckfast Abbey, a Roman Catholic monastery located in Devon, England.

Critics have blamed it for being a cause of social problems in Scotland. Some have nicknamed it “Wreck the Hoose Juice.” It also enjoys strong popularity and near cult following in Northern Ireland, often referred to simply as “Bucky” and in some cases “Lurgan Champagne.” With 280mg of caffeine in it, Buckfast gets you fired up and full of energy. The questionable concoction is thick with a strong taste of molasses. There is also a hint of some type of herb reminiscent of oregano and a soapy aftertaste. In short, it is a Scottish version of a classic bum wine.

Ready To Be Bummed Out?

If you feel like living on the wild side or are just suffering from self-loathing, head to the corner mart and grab a bottle of cheap wine. Some of our above selections can only be seen in the Smithsonian; others are still up for grabs. Relive your youth or drink to forget it. Either way, these classic brown bag wines are up to the challenge.