OK, so there you are in a pub, a bar, a place where people consume alcohol. You’ve bought some beers; you’re with your friends, or maybe you’re with your significant other. When DUN, DUN, DUN…. here comes trouble… Some name-calling, a little bit of pushing maybe, and then those awful words: I’m gonna kick your ass! So now what do you do? Maybe it’s time to learn how to fight with a beer bottle. 

You’ve never fought a day in your life; however, lucky for you, you did read “How to Use My Beer Bottle as an Offensive Weapon.” OK, all dramatic tones aside, the bottom line, obviously, with this article is the realities of using a broken bottle offensively to give yourself protection so you can create an opportunity for escape. 

How to Use My Beer Bottle as an Offensive Weapon

Allegedly, and I am saying allegedly, Heineken is the best bottle to use to crack somebody over the head with, as it will not break. No, I can’t speak on the nonalcoholic Heineken. As I’m saying, allegedly, as the author has no personal experience in this matter whatsoever, nudge nudge wink wink.

Regardless of whether you’re going to use a bottle to break and then ram into the body of the person in front of you, or you’re using the bottle to render them unconscious, or at the very least enough pain to make them think about something else a bottle is a very user-friendly Weapon. 

However, please do not believe what the movies tell you when it comes to cracking somebody in the melon or breaking a bottle on a table. Unfortunately, the movies are not telling the truth. I know, shocking, right?  The question I’m sure readers were asking is why on earth would I ever want to break a bottle over somebody’s head or break a bottle so I can use it as an offensive weapon? Fighting with a beer bottle should be used for self-preservation ONLY.

Well, my friends, I can’t give you a definitive answer of why, except for this reality: when you are outnumbered or when you need to create an opportunity for escape, pain, compliance or use a “Force multiplier,” I’m just trying to be fancy will help you get that desired effect. As with all topics of self-protection or using a weapon to protect yourself, reader, please keep in mind the laws and the reality of using a bottle offensively can and very well may cause you some legal issues. 

However, if you’re still willing to read, let’s explore why this is an excellent tool for protecting yourself and those you’re with.

A Glass Half Full

Problem: you’re not a fighter, never have been, and never will be; however, you’ve seen your share of excellent action guy movies, so what do you do utilize the tool that’s closest to you, in this case, a beer bottle and or a bottle of liquor? How do you deploy fancy words to use this weapon effectively that takes care of business and hopefully does not slice up your hand, which, unfortunately, my friend, is a strong possibility high percentages you’ll get cut when you break that bottle? 

However, I digress now. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to take a said bottle and hit somebody over the head with it. Shoot, anybody can do that. I will recommend right now that you stay away from the front of the face just saying if you’re gonna end up getting a charge, you don’t need to sit there and have somebody sue you later for taking out their eyeball just saying The easy one is cracking somebody over the head, which leaves the more challenging version where you like the movies breaking the bottle. You’re about to use it in some excellent offensive way. 

When Trouble Comes Knocking

Well, here’s the reality: the bottle will not usually break how you want it to, where there is a significant amount of edgy glass that you can use to puncture/penetrate the wrong person in front of you. Yes, I have sarcasm in my voice as I’m writing this. Bear with me, so why would you bother breaking the bottle? I don’t know. It doesn’t work. However, if you break it, be prepared to use it; if you’re ready to use it, understand the consequences of what you’re about to dive into. Smash the bottle, and it breaks. Could you do me a favor? Try not to look at it afterward. 

Keep in contact with whoever the immediate threat is, and don’t bother talking or saying any uncompromising guy news. Read the room, and if that person you deemed so much of a threat that you needed to protect your own life by committing to actions, that is your only answer. 

Once you break that bottle, it’s doubtful that any will come back. On the flip side, somebody often breaks a bottle, dramatically changing the equation. You, the reader, should smash that bottle to cut up the bad guy in front of you. I pray that they tuck tail, turn, and walk away, and you never have to do it; as I said earlier, if you’re going to break that bottle, you be prepared to go the distance. 

The Lesson

Step One: Break your bottle (use your dominant hand to hold the bottle; if you’re not sure exactly which is your dominant hand, think about the hand you used to; how do I say politely, “pleasure oneself?” You get the idea if you’ll trust that with that hand, it’s a fair statement to say you’ll trust the broken bottle in your hand )

on a firm, solid object close to you.

Step Two: Quickly glance to see what’s left of the bottle to see what you’re working with

Still Learning

Step Three: Edge yourself towards him and wait for him to make a physical gesture indicating that he will attack. This is very, very important, people. Unless you have Johnny Cochran as a lawyer on standby and speed dial, you’ll want to be reactive, not proactive, on this one.

Step Four: I recommend you take that edge weapon you’ve now got and cut, poke, or stab whatever is closest to you. If there’s a hand, stab it. If there’s an arm, stab it; I know you read the disclaimer at the top, so I highly recommend that you stay away from throats and faces. However, that being said, if your life is in danger, do what you need to do to stop that threat. 

Now, the minute that you see that they are affected by your stab or cut, and they back away, do not, I repeat, do not move forward. You have an opportunity to escape, get out of Dodge, and get the flock out of there. Now, if you came to that place with significant others or friends, they better learn to get stepping, too. I’m hopeful that you and your friends came up with a code, some special word that indicated that you would take off the minute things went sideways. Yes, rest assured you can look forward to a few articles about this subject. Hee Hee.

The Finale

Well, here we are at the end. Hopefully, you were entertained and got some educational information regarding the subject. I pray that you never have to use it and that you continue to keep your eyes off of your phone, your head on a swivel, and your surroundings very aware. I also hope you learn the fine art of de-escalation. Be safe, be healthy, and be happy until next time.