It’s not easy to learn how to win an argument with your spouse. Heck, in some marriages, it’s hard even to tell what your fight is actually about. Even the best couples, no matter how long they’ve been together, will inevitably end up in an argument. Most couples’ fights are, simply put, dumb. No one can spend years around another person without getting sick of them at some point and will start fighting over whatever begins to bother the other. It could be the hair she leaves on the shower wall, whose turn it is to wash the dishes, or even “the sink cup.”
How to Win an Argument with Your Spouse
In these cases, it’s important to realize a few things. The first is that it doesn’t mean they hate each other; in fact, it’s more likely the opposite. The second is that their fights, no matter how dumb, can devolve into something much more serious if they let it.
Then there are the fights that are much, much more meaningful. They are over things like if and when they should have kids, who’s that woman at work, why is that guy always around when I’m gone, and, of course, money. So whether it’s a nothing fight or a much more serious one, it’s important not to let it get out of hand and, more importantly – to win.
Knowing how to win an argument with your spouse in a court of law is a science. Knowing how to win an argument at home is an art form. Lastly, knowing how to win an argument without going to court for divorce proceedings is what you must strive for at all times. Here are six surefire tips on winning an argument without worrying about who gets the house.
Consider Timing
Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar said “timing is everything,” not the actual Caesar, but that doesn’t mean the Bard was wrong. He doesn’t have Caesar’s war record. There are, however, other experts on conflict who have said something to that effect. In “The Art of War,” tactician Sun Tzu mentions Timing in no fewer than 11 instances. Probably the most telling is, “Knowing the place and the time of the coming battle, we may concentrate from the greatest distances in order to fight.”
What Sun Tzu means by that is choosing the right time and place for battle means being able to confront your enemy on your terms with overwhelming force and thus all but guarantee victory. You may not be leading thousands of troops onto a battle, but if you know a fight is coming, be prepared to start it when you’re ready.
The first step in knowing how to win an argument is picking the time and place. The only consideration for her is making sure she has the time to have such an exchange of ideas. If she has to run off to an appointment, your grand victory might be cut short – or even worse, give her time to prepare counterarguments.
Listen – and Prove You’re Listening
While it’s important to get your point across, you need to ensure the other person feels like you understand their point of view. In many arguments, especially heated ones, it’s easy to lose track of what the other person is saying while thinking of what you want to say next. This is a trap and could even give your opponent more ammunition to use against you.
Think of it from your own point of view: you deliver a verbal coup de grâce so cutting, so definitive, and with perfect timing, only to find out – as soon as they open their mouth – they weren’t listening at all. It’s infuriating. It makes the argument feel like a waste of time and will likely mean the argument will soon be over your inability to listen.
Nothing makes someone feel heard like actually listening to them. You can prove you’re listening by asking questions and saying things like, “Help me understand your perspective.” Listening does not mean you’re losing.
Make an Outrageous Demand
Some might question this tactic, but this is the centerpiece of the real art of the deal. A demand you know your partner won’t possibly accept is the hidden trap you plant for your future victory. The secret is that you don’t actually want or need this, but you’re going to fight for it for most of the argument anyway. Making it early on will make it easier for you to make a compromise later – a compromise to achieve your actual goal.
Stay On Topic
Those who know how to win an argument with their spouse know to listen. However, while listening to an opponent’s point of view, they are also listening for logical fallacies. We all know your opponent is wrong (obviously), but they may only realize they’re wrong once the fight has begun. So, it’s important to listen for shifts in their reasoning. When the topic of the argument starts to drift to something else, this is when your superior mind can jump on their mistakes.
The most common flawed arguments are known as logical fallacies. They may be tangentially related to the topic, but a careful review of their reasoning will show they’re really not – and there are all kinds of logical fallacies:
Red Herring: When your opponent makes a point using an irrelevant topic. Also known as “whataboutism.”
Example: Your partner might defend their spending habits by pointing out yours. It feels relevant, but it’s not.
Straw Man: Your opponent might present an exaggerated and inaccurate version of your argument to make it easier to attack your point of view.
Example: You tell your partner you don’t like one of her male friends, and she responds, “Why do you hate me?”
False Dichotomy: When your opponent presents only two possible solutions or outcomes – but in reality, there are many.
Example: “If you don’t let me do this, then it’s clear you don’t really love me.”
Bandwagon: This is an argument that says an action is okay because other people are doing it.
Example: You don’t want your partner to leave the kids at home alone, but they say it’s fine because their friends do it all the time.
These are just a few of the most common, but there are dozens. Familiarize yourself, and don’t let a flawed argument keep you from your hard-earned victory.
Keep It Respectful
This is very similar to staying on topic because one of the most common logical fallacies is what is known as an “ad hominem attack.” This is when your opponent is losing the argument so hard that they begin to attack you or your history personally instead of your reasoning. Instead of refuting the fallacy, you might start defending yourself or, worse, return fire. Don’t take the bait. You’re so close to winning.
The most surefire way to end up in divorce court is to start saying whatever awful thing comes to your mind, no matter how true it may be. Some things are better left unsaid, and if you get nasty, chances are, your partner will never forget what you say when you’re mad. Remember: it might be a fight right now, but you still love this person. Becoming disrespectful practically guarantees another fight.
Make Them Believe It’s a Compromise
No one likes to lose a fight. To be honest, the only real way to win an argument is to never have one in the first place. But if you end up in a knock-down, drag-out fight, it means you’ve missed numerous opportunities to resolve something that has been brewing for some time. Overpowering your opponent with your enlightened insight will not make them feel better or accept the defeat you delivered. Once the battle has started, however, the best chance you have to avoid a future round two is to make them feel like they won (without actually letting them win).
They say diplomacy is the art of letting others have your way. If you’ve followed these tips so far, you’ve listened, pointed out the flaws in their logic, and remained respectful. Now is the time to suggest possible solutions to the argument. This is where the seed you planted earlier bears fruit. If you made an outrageous demand before, now you can suggest your real desire as a compromise. Your opponent will be so grateful that you gave some ground to their perspective. They might actually thank you for getting what you wanted in the first place.
