Disclaimer: This article is written to give you an idea of actual jail and the justice system, not to provide legal advice. Once again, if you get your ass whooped, it’s not my fault. This article is for entertainment purposes only. But if you can’t make bail, understanding the basics can be helpful.

Last time around, we discussed what to expect during your first night in jail. Jail is a harsh reality that some might have to face, so it is always best to be prepared. We ended that article with the possibility of you making bail, but what if that doesn’t happen? Don’t worry, kid. Just like that 6-foot-2-inch 300-pound monster who is waiting for you in the showers, we have your back. 

Can’t Make Bail. Now What?

Once it has been determined that you won’t be going home immediately after your initial appearance, you will be housed in a jail based on your security classification. This classification is determined by the severity of your crime and previous criminal history. The classification scale generally goes from minimum to maximum security. 

From a crime-based perspective, the minimum would be a first-time DUI or disorderly conduct charge, whereas murder, let’s say, would place you in maximum security. You will be housed with inmates of the same classification and gender. Inmates with sensitive charges (e.g., crimes involving children) are housed separately from the general population for their protection.

The Strip Search

One of the most uncomfortable moments new inmates experience is being dressed in jail-issue clothing, either “stripes” or “solids.” All street clothing and property must be collected before inmates are transported to their assigned facilities. Depending on the size of the agency, this is either achieved individually or with multiple same-sex inmates at a time in a shower room. 

The detention officer or deputy may combine this process with a strip search or a visual inspection of your body cavities. Yes, this includes your anus. Detention officers and deputies understand that this is unpleasant, but it is necessary to maintain contraband control in the system. Keep in mind it’s unpleasant for them too. 

Imagine looking at up to 200 random genitals for eight to 12 hours a day in a large metropolitan agency, all while experiencing the weird sights and pungent, foul smells that are made for medical textbooks and the Guinness Book of World Records. Do everyone a favor here, listen to directions, and cough hard the first time.  

Sleeping Arrangements

Jail sizes vary based on the population needs of the counties they are in. Therefore, transportation to your assigned housing unit may be by bus or by foot. Generally, this is when new inmates begin to panic because the reality of going to jail sets in. Not making bail, is now the least of your problems

While handcuffed to another inmate on a chain, walking down that long, eerie hallway to be placed onto a dark, smelly bus headed to the unknown, your mind will begin to race. Your heart will also flutter while your stomach does backflips. You will start to think about your job, your family, and what the other important people in your life are going to think about you and your situation. 

The sooner you come to terms with your new reality, the better you will adjust to it. Be nervous; just don’t be scared. Most people become chatterboxes when they are scared. Other inmates will smell like sharks smell blood in the ocean and attempt to extract information from you for their gain (i.e., your address, family situation, finances, the type of car you drive, and where you work). 

Stay Vigilant

Maintain a strong level of situational awareness and watch what you say, even when you are feeling as if your world is over. It’s not … unless you’re in for murder.

When you arrive at your assigned housing unit, the detention officer or deputy will give you a bedroll, a cell or bunk assignment, and possibly a booklet of officer-enforced rules and regulations. The booklet roughly translates to “Act like a man, and you will be treated like one” and “Don’t conceal anything in your butt.” Even with these general rules of thumb, there are other rules that generations of inmates have put into place among themselves to maintain order and control in the last primitive environment in America. 

These rules and ideologies are “jail rules” and “jail politics.” They are multifaceted. Things such as age, race, street/prison gang affiliation, prison time, geographical location, and even medical conditions play a role in these rules. For example, a common rule among real OGs―”original gangsters” that have done prison time, often in their 60s―is that they will neither disrespect nor fight female officers. Another rule floating around is not to talk to an officer alone in the housing unit.  

Speaking of respect, it will get you far in jail. Period. It has value from the moment you step into that house until the moment you leave, and this goes for self-respect, too. Self-respect includes the ability to talk and fight, two skills you’ll need, which hopefully you already possess. One party feeling like the other party disrespected them is usually the cause of inmate physical altercations. 

How To Pass the Time

Another common reason for fights is boredom. Fight if you have to. In most jails, mutually agreed-upon fights, like Saturday-night UFC bouts, are frequently scheduled by an ugly jail version of Dana White. 

As the days go by and you wait for your next court date or bond to post, sit back and observe the dynamics of the house. 

You will learn the habits of other inmates: what time they wake up, shower, and make phone calls; preferred television programs and workouts; who they socialize with (jail rules and politics may dictate this); where in the house they like to hang out; and possible case information. When those habits are disrupted, one can often determine that a fight or an assault is imminent. 

Inmates often subconsciously telegraph non-mutual fights or assaults―which can happen at any given time―days in advance. Inmates who usually talk on the phone after breakfast might suddenly start taking showers after breakfast and every meal thereafter in anticipation of being locked down for days. You may also observe a clean-cut inmate skipping showers or avoiding the shower area. Fat inmates may start working out or hoarding food like squirrels. Watch them, anticipate, and create your own plan of survival. 

Don’t Be A Target

If you find yourself as the target of an assault, you have every right to protect yourself. When it happens, you had better fight like the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark. At the conclusion of a physical altercation that warrants medical attention, don’t tell the detention officers that you “slipped in the shower.” (The shower has been the world’s undisputed champion ever since it was introduced into jails and prisons in the late 1800s.) 

Your next court hearing should be within 10 business days after your initial appearance. By this time, you should have had contact with your court-appointed attorney or obtained your own. 

Depending on the severity of your charges, you should attempt to reduce your bond to make it affordable or be released on your own recognizance. To assist your case, advise your attorney of everything you have done in jail. Whether you can’t make bail, or get “O.R’d,” don’t leave any details out.

No Bail, No Problem

For example, you may have attended multiple programs and attained completion certificates or have been a model inmate with no “write-ups” who has received special privileges because of it. Or perhaps you became a working inmate, found religion, etc. Your attorney will advise you of the game plan, depending on whether you admit guilt or plead innocence. That decision will also affect your time spent in jail and prison. 

“Wait, what’s the difference between jail and prison?” you ask. Either get arrested and find out, or just wait until the next installment of this ongoing series.