The timing of this article is a little behind the curve. I say that because what we will explore is fraught with horror and darkness. It is better suited for Halloween. What pray tell are we going to discuss today? We are going to sit on the therapy couch and relive the horrors of some of the worst drinks we consumed in our youth and possibly beyond. Some of these memories will be suppressed and ultimately you will ask yourself – We drank what??
We Drank What? – Everclear
First up is arguably the worst. This is not only because it was horrid, but because we tried to mix it with everything. Of course, I am talking about Everclear. This 190-proof bottle of pain and regret is called a blank liquid canvas. Everclear is odorless, flavorless, and colorless. It is the ultimate base for billions of gallons of party punch. The only thing Ever clear is the fact we should have never used it. If you are of an age that you may not have partaken in any Everclear celebrations, I encourage you to skip the nostalgia and let us carry the pain of what was.
99 Bananas
Next up we move to something much more current. This is a drink with a name as ridiculous as its mass consumption. Of course, I am talking about 99 Bananas. This party drink is 99-proof and has an attempted “tropical” flavor. This beverage is the perfect example of the two types of drinking that go on. First is flavor and experience drinking. Then there is effect-driven drinking where you seek nothing more than the effect of the alcohol. 99 Bananas is a bullet train in that category. I know people are stomping their feet right now and getting ready to write an angry letter. However, if you have consumed the 99 all night you will first need to find your lost shoe, put your shirt right side out, and clean up the floor where you expelled most of your drink. Then we can talk.
Four Loco
Batter number three is Four Loko. I could honestly just say “See above” but it doesn’t do it justice. This was just a recipe for disaster from the start. The large amount of caffeine in Four Loko easily masked the effects of the alcohol, often leading to overconsumption. Reports of drinkers experiencing blackouts, injuries, and in a few cases, death led New York to ban Four Loko in 2010. I mean it was created by three fraternity brothers. Many of their original drink blends were created in the fraternity mansion’s basement and party room. A new version of Four Loco is still available, but I will simply say Caveat Emptor.
Southern Comfort
Let’s add whiskey to the mix. At least a whiskey-like substance. Southern Comfort is an American, naturally fruit-flavored, whiskey liqueur with fruit and spice accents. The brand was created by bartender Martin Wilkes Heron in New Orleans in 1874, using whiskey as the base spirit. Whiskey was replaced by a neutral spirit under the ownership of Brown–Forman. It has been the base of countless custom cocktails that are better left to alchemists and witches. It is also been popular straight up. At that point, you are cutting to the chase and scheduling a massive hangover.
Malort
Our last entry in this brief review of regret and pain is Malort. A staple in Chicago, it can also be found in several other places as well. Some say it tastes like pencil shavings, old battery rust, citrus zest, and ear wax. Others describe it as citrus-flavored gasoline, burnt vinyl car seat condensation, or vile flower liquor. While arguments fly about how to best consume it, the suggestion I have is don’t.
This is a short list of what has bruised livers and caused prayers over toilets. Try them if you like, but trust me when I say that some things are better left alone. Cheers!
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