Don’t lie, we already know that you have always wanted to be a ninja. From movies to comics to toys, nothing is cooler than a black-masked assassin running around in tabby boots launching smoke bombs and throwing stars at everyone that he hates. 

Holla If You Have Ninja Skills

But let’s face it, ninjas without their deadly gear are just fancy karate guys with an attitude problem. Here at Skillset, we pride ourselves at being problem solvers, and we don’t want you to be a ninja with problems. That’s right, kids, we want you to be proper ninjas, so we have compiled a list of the eight most ninjiest ninja weapons we could think of. My favorite all-time ninja is the Arashikage Commando Snake Eyes from G.I. Joe. His weapon of choice is an Uzi. And yes, the new Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins movie should be out later this year.

Disclosure #1: Find proper training so you don’t hurt yourself. Real ninjas have real ninja hand and weapons skills.Legit ninjas and ninjettes are everywhere, so you shouldn’t have a problem finding a credible ninja school on Google. Seriously, get training. We don’t need you falling out of trees and shit. But if you do fall out of a tree, do it silently, so nobody hears you.

Disclosure #2: This is satire, and make-believe is fine, but it should be duly noted that emerging from the shadows to assault actual people with deadly weapons is against the law almost everywhere. 

The Gear Is A Must

• A Ninja Suit: Don’t be lame. If you are going to be a ninja assassin, dress the part. Century Martial Arts Supply has just released an authentically styled ninja suit designed by none other than the boss-level ninja himself, Stephen K. Hayes. The Century Martial Arts ninja suit includes everything that you need minus the tabby boots. Those are sold separately. 

• Smoke Bombs: Who doesn’t love smoking shit up? Smoke bombs are necessary to make a dramatic entrance before you lay down your ninjific smackdown. They are also equally important to give you cover as you make your escape into the shadows from which you came. Slash some tires and then slam some impact-detonated smoke grenades on the ground and yell “Shazaam!” Then bounce before the po-po shows up.

• Shurikens (Throwing Stars): True story—I once got a ninja star stuck in my head when I was about 10 years old. They used to be legal at karate tournaments, and fools were happy to sell them to little kids for about 75 cents a pop. Shurikens are the hidden hand blade, and every ninja has them. Don’t be a sucker-duck ninja—get some throwing stars.

• Death Chain—The Kusarigama: Oh yeah, a frickin’ chain with a sickle (kama) at the end of it! Some chain weapons, like the kusari-fundo, would just have weights at the ends. Others would have spikes. Some ninjas were extra gangsta and had 2 Chainz, just like the rapper.

The Whole Nine Yards

• Ninja Hand And Foot Claws: Ninjas are great at climbing trees and scaling shit; They would make climbing look easy with their specially constructed claws, which double as slashing weapons. Who slashes people with claws? Nasty ninja f@ckers, that’s who! All I know is that I would hate to get kicked in the face with foot claws.

• The Bo-Staff: If you want to be a proper ninja, you are going to have to learn how to beat someone’s ass with a long stick.When used properly, the bo staff is one of the most effective and practical weapons that a ninja can get his hands on.A long hiking stick in the right hands can clear a parking lot full of fools. Be like water, be like Donatello.

• The Blowgun: Bruh, ninjas will shoot you in the side of your neck with a poisonous dart from the shadows and then kick you in your junk! These sneaky bastards are just as dangerous from a distance as they are up close. Blowguns are a silent and deadly must-have for any serious ninja. Dip your dart tips into some poison and smoke everyone in the room.

• The Ninjato (Sword): I mean, really and truly, “ninja” is in the actual sword name. Every self-respecting, pajama-wearing killer is a master of the sword. The ninjato is the primary weapon of the ninja. Slightly shorter than the katana, the ninjato is wielded either with a single hand or with both hands. Some ninjas fight with a sword in each hand.