With the recent outbreak of flooding and hurricanes striking the U.S., it’s only a matter of time before the next apocalypse occurs. With the Halloween season approaching, a Zombie outbreak seems likely any day now. One thing is sure at SKILLSET: We like to lean on the side of being prepared. With that in mind, you better be well-armed and ready to kill zombies in the upcoming apocalypse.

Zombie Survival Guide

First, we must be able to identify and understand the types of zombies we will encounter. That’s right, just like vampires, there are many kinds of zombies. Of course, there are your standard slow-moving, half-decaying dirt dwellers from six feet deep, but what do you know about the rest? If you want to learn to kill zombies like a seasoned pro, you must first recognize them.

Now listen, without getting into the weeds about the sub-types, we will assume you’re dealing with one of two types: fast-moving zombies or slow-moving zombies. Unless you’re on a Haitian island where a voodoo high priestess is conjuring up spells to turn tourists into mindless soul suckers, these two types are the most likely you will encounter in an actual zombie apocalypse. Crawlers, walkers, stalkers, swimmers, gliders, bloaters, and frosty tots aren’t really the concern here. You learn to deal with the specific types unique to your environment as time goes on. We are just here to get you up to speed.

Blunt Force Trauma 

The first thing you need to understand about zombies is you need to sever the brain stem from the actual medulla oblongata. The easiest and most effective way is by smashing their skull like a pumpkin. Or, in the case of rotting, decaying flesh, more like that post-Halloween Jack-O-Lantern sitting on your front porch.

Whether they move like shoppers on a Wednesday morning at the local Food Mart or sprint like Jackie Joyner Kersee, any heavy weapon will work well here for this type of zombie attack. Sledgehammers, shovels, 2x4s, and even your kid’s beloved baseball bat will do the job. Of course, you can always get a bit creative with your skull smasher and construct your own “Lucile.” 

Decapitation

Again, it’s all about severing the brain stem and bringing a quick end to this rotting bag of meat. If the Walking Dead series has taught us anything about quickly ending the existence of “Walkers,” it’s by using a machete. Or maybe there’s finally a use for that Chinese swap meet Katana you bought that’s been hanging over your couch collecting dust for the past four and a half years.

If you are the particularly sick and twisted type who has been waiting for humanity’s downfall for decades, maybe chainsaws are your thing. Personally, I think this is a great option as long as you have plenty of 2-cycle gas on hand. Maybe you’re the electric type? You better have some batteries on hand and a solar charger for those 20-volt lithiums. It’s OK with us to”Go Green” while battling an apocalyptic zombie hoard; we won’t tell anyone.

Fire and Brimstone

While not an immediate death, as they will most likely keep trying to gnaw your hands off as they burn, fire can be an effective tool for dealing with zombies, especially the all-too-common Zombie horde that seems to occur in every undead movie ever made. 

The old practice of oiling fields is a beneficial defense if you find yourself confronted with a townful of walking worm food. Simple blowtorches and propane ice-melting contraptions can be easily modified and readily available to help you stay on top of the food chain. Just like our friend the chainsaw, though, be sure to be adequately stocked up on fuel and ignition sources.  BONUS: Improvised potato launcher that fires gas-soaked tennis balls.

Shooting Spree

Let’s face it. We are all shooters here and can easily agree that using these flesh bags for target practice will be a whole helluva lot of fun in the first forty-eight hours of initial chaos. However, after that, you are just wasting ammo, attracting more zombies, and creating more work for yourself when these rotting sacks of meat start stacking up in your backyard. Eventually, you or someone else will have to dispose of them.

Don’t get me wrong; there will be many arguments about which weapon is preferred for this sort of attack. Shotguns will definitely give the average shooter a much-needed handicap, while some seasoned shooters may decide to play a round of golf by posting up on a rooftop with their favorite long gun. Bet your wife will be happy you spent all that time and money at the range with your buddies instead of at home watching football like all the other dead dads on your block now, huh?

Even still, there will be those who want CQB-style action up close and personal to see what they’re made of. Semi-auto, revolver, Glock or Staccato, AR-15 or AK47, for we are firearms enthusiasts, and even in times of peril, we will argue this until our death. Full auto, anyone? Nothing quite says satisfaction like point-blank kills on the guy who didn’t buy Girl Scout cookies from your little angel last year, does it now?

Kill Zombies with Pals!

Regardless of how you go about killing Zombies in this post-apocalyptic hell on earth, you will be hard-pressed to do it alone and on an empty stomach; you’ll need friends with varied SKILLSETS to help you make it through. Whether you know it or not, the real advantage lies in strength in numbers, kill or be killed.

See, having a solid team of murderous maniacs who are also handy and resourceful in survival will be what separates you from all the other people left on the planet. Pick your friends, like you pick the right salsa on taco night, or it will come back to burn you. 

Look, I know all of this sounds a bit harsh and maybe a bit heinous, but hey, they are no longer human, and if they bite you, I’ll have no problem putting you down if you turn. Remember, always DOUBLE-TAP!