What does being a Drunken Master have to do with Skillset Fight Club, you ask? Well, we believe you should be able to defend yourself no matter what condition you find yourself in. Even if that happens to be at your worst after a night on the town, acting as the best man for your long-time friend.

So, for this highly educational installation of SKILLSET Fight Club, we ask you to pull up your pants, take another morning swig of Malort, and prepare for some potentially lifesaving lessons in the deadly arts of drunken combat.

A Drunken Master is Awakened

Let’s set the stage.
You are blacked out on a public park bench, minding your own business, still clinging on to a bottle of liquid spirits from the night before.

Suddenly, the “Old Navy Ad” family of three comes walking along. They notice a smell of death floating in the wind and stop in their tracks. These morning parkgoers are clearly disgusted that you are the source of this smell and are appalled that you have the nerve to sleep in their park.

The couple’s too-cute-for-words daughter decides to poke your barely breathing swollen belly to see if you are still alive.

The child’s mother explodes into a Karen outburst about how you do not belong in public and are a disturbance to her child and nature. This clearly hits a nerve because you are one with nature, and nature is one with you. Plus, you can tell her kid likes you.

First Contact

This is when you spring to your feet, with movements faster than the eye can capture. You deliver the drunken Miyagi palm strike to the side of the unnerving woman’s yapper. This move is also known as the Yapper Clapper. This move can knock any Karen’s face in the opposite direction. It really is helpful.

Not understanding what just happened, the other drunken homeless guy who was eyeballing your wallet jumps up to grab your arm to try to calm you down. The husband approaches you to either strike or thank you; we are unsure. The one thing that we are sure about is that you are now facing multiple attackers. You must act with speed and precision to avoid the possibility of being killed in combat. Remember, dying sucks.

With split-second precision, deliver a front kick to the husband’s junk as soon as he gets within range. Kick him so hard that he will want to leave his family and move out of state. This is the only way he will understand the consequences of being a buzz kill.

Remember, you are not seeing double. You are facing multiple threats. Immediately deliver A Twisted Tea strike to the side of the other drunk dude’s head as hard as you can. Grip your water bottle full of booze tightly and swing like Forest Gump.

A Fierce Battle

Unfortunately, it is easy to become distracted or confused when confronted by multiple attackers. A strike can come your way from any angle, including below. You forgot about the little six-year-old girl who decides to deliver a running headbutt to your bladder. Never let down your guard.

The powerful headbutt momentarily knocks the wind out of you. You have no choice. You must dig deep; the fight isn’t over. Catch your breath. Think Roadhouse, but not the Jake Gyllenhall one.

Release the Kraken. Raise your hands in the air and wave them wildly like a crazed Grizzley bear. Run at the family, yelling gibberish as loud as you can. Let them know that they cannot stop what cannot be killed. They will retreat in fear as you have demonstrated drunken dominance.

The Final Battle

And there you have it, the art of fighting like a drunken master. Or mastering the art of being drunk in a fight. Or fighting drunk as a form of art. It doesn’t matter what the police report states. You are still whole and unscathed after a ferocious battle with three and a half attackers.

Some may say that your actions were unjustified, and they are probably right. This article is intended for Infotainment purposes only, although the information contained within is sound. Your boy may have just had an amazing Bachelor party to celebrate his third marriage, but that’s no excuse for being a drunken derelict in public.

We apologize to our readers who were expecting an article with Jackie Chan. He didn’t return our calls, so we had to work with the drunks that we had.

Looking for more SKILLSET Fight Club? Look no further: How to DDT A Fool