Let’s be honest: Being attacked while using the restroom is a shitshow situation (yes, pun intended). You probably never expected to be defending yourself in a bathroom brawl when you left home earlier in the evening. You hit the club for a night out with the boys, just hoping for a chance to hook up with a person of the opposite sex. The night looks promising when a simple “shoulder bump” with another inebriated patron on your way to the facilities quickly sends the evening in another direction.

Defending Yourself In A Bathroom Brawl

What started as an innocent misstep has now escalated into a full-blown confrontation at one of the most inopportune moments possible. Is there a more vulnerable time for a human being than when using a public restroom? Perhaps not, and those with ill intent will have no qualms about getting even with you in this less-than-hygienic environment. At this point, you will have to go “balls out” and defend yourself if you want to live to see the next boys’ night out.

This is one situation where the ladies have an advantage over us fellas. Women typically head off to the powder room in packs. Guys, however, well, we have to look out for ourselves. Never fear whether you have to relieve yourself from one too many Jägerbombs or that gas-station sushi that isn’t sitting too well in your stomach. We have worked out many of the possible scenarios for you.

The Urinal Situation, Version 1: Single Attacker

It doesn’t matter if you suspect an imminent threat or not. It is always a good idea to pick a urinal in a public restroom that gives you a view of the door and incoming people. Now, I know the cardinal rule for us men is never to look a man in the eye when doing our business, but if you sense that you are about to be assaulted while you are pissing, you have to break it in this case. That way, they know that you know that they know you are aware of them.

When the attack begins (depending upon the distance from you), execute a brutal sidekick to the knee area or a hammer fist to the face. This should buy you enough time to make your exit. If, for some reason, that move fails and your opponent can still rush you, don’t forget about those weapons of opportunity. Urinal cakes are hard as rocks and are very effective across the bridge of the nose. Also, the overwhelming stench of a bar restroom’s piss-soaked urinal patty slammed into your attacker’s sniffer will likely stun him enough to buy you an extra second or two to slip back into the crowd.

The Urinal Situation, Version 2: Multiple Attackers

Unluckily for you, the guy you traded words with on the dance floor has friends. We are dealing with street rules if you find yourself in this scenario. First and foremost, spinning around mid-stream is always an effective way of obtaining some “social distance.” This will allow you that split second or two to gain your fighting stance and prepare for action. However, if you’ve already exhausted your bladder, palm heel strikes the closest attacker, kicks the other clown in the balls, and then pushes them clear of your exit path.

As soon as you get out of the bathroom, yell, “Yo! These two (insert rival sports team) fans tried to molest me in the bathroom!” That should get a few more guys on your side when they come after you. (It’s all about fighting smarter, not harder.)

The Shitter

Oh damn, this is a man’s worst nightmare! You’re sitting down, trying to squeeze out those three-for-$1 street tacos you ate earlier when suddenly the door bursts open. Your adversary knows he has the advantage and starts wailing on you like you’re a baby seal on some frozen Canadian beach. You need to unhobble yourself by getting your pants up as fast as possible, get back to your feet, and start defending yourself.

If you are like 99% of American males, chances are you have your phone in your hand—this is a good thing. With all your might, grip that phone tightly while you hammer-fist the sharp corner of it down into his orbital socket as many times as possible. If he covers up, keep smashing it into the back of his skull until you have created an opportunity to escape. Wiping your ass is not really an option in this situation. Make your way out of the club and go hit the laundromat. A few skid marks are way better than a few scars.

The Sink Encounter

So, you have managed to get your stomach back under control from those Tijuana tacos, and it’s time to clean up and get back to drinking. Unfortunately, while washing your hands (nice work following CDC guidelines, by the way), that tough guy enters the restroom and starts running his soup cooler in your ear. Cup your hands together, capture as much H2O as they will hold, and then quickly throw it in his face. Brace yourself against the sink for balance and deploy a devastating sidekick to his knee. He’s drunk and hopefully dealing with a lousy hyperextension at this point.

Understandably, the Johnny Cage in us says, “Finish him!”; however, fighting in a nasty public bathroom is never a glorious battle. Plus, getting piss stains out of that new Hawaiian shirt is tough. Instead, make an opening and get the hell out of Dodge. Congratulations. You have successfully survived in defending yourself in hopefully what will be your first and last bathroom brawl.