Fidel Castro was loathed by the ones he ruled over. He reigned over Cuba for more than 47 years. He was born on August 13, 1926, and died at the ripe old age of 90 on Friday, November 25, 2016. At least this communist bastard died on a Friday so that he couldn’t enjoy another weekend on God’s green earth. Castro transformed his country into the first communist state in the Western Hemisphere. You may ask yourself, how could such a piece of work make it to 90 years old when the rest of us living righteous lives die way before that? Was he that smart, or are the rest of us just that dumb?

Fidel Castro Needs To Go

Perhaps, the old Cross Roads Demon may have played a part in his long life, just one copper coin left at the intersection of a Kongo Yowa Cosmogram, a circle drawn, and a few incantations later, and the CIA isn’t touching this monster. Is it too much to think people like Castro could have made a deal with the devil himself? It has been reported that there were 634 or was it 638 attempts on his life, but at what point do you stop counting the attempts by the CIA to assassinate him?

Maybe his love of dairy gave him the ability to cheat death so many times. I mean, the man was known to be able to eat 18 scoops of ice cream after a meal, that’s more than 2 pints, and we all remember those commercials, “Milk does a body good, pass it on” We may have to ask ourselves how good?

Castro started a “friendship” with the U.S.’s archenemy, the Soviet Union, and that seems to be the straw that broke the camel’s back with our central intelligence agency. We were so afraid that a domino effect where one nation falls prey to communism might lead to more than we’re comfortable with. So we, the U.S., decided to remove him by any means necessary. For fifteen years, it was real-life Elmer Fud chasing Bugs, Coyote chasing the Roadrunner Tom trying to murder Jerry.

Let’s recount some of the most famous ways the CIA tried to do away with this supreme ruler.

1. Explosive Cigars Or Poisoned Cigars

It depends on who you ask. In 1960 the CIA tried to kill him by poisoning his cigars. They were to be delivered during a trip to the United Nations. This plan did not come to fruition as we chickened out for fear of political fallout during a visit to the U.N.

2. The Mob Hit

Fidel Castro got rid of the Batista regime in 1959 and overtook the profitable hotels and casinos. He made more than a few enemies with international mobsters. So there was no question about it. The mob wanted in on this hit. The CIA met with Las Vegas mobster Johnny Roselli who knew a guy that knew a guy that could help them with this particular problem. There were some well-known guys from the Bugsy Siegel team.

3. Poisonous Pills

One of the FBI’s most wanted mobsters, Giancana, was to ensure the killing of Castro for $150,000 equivalent to $1.2 million in today’s dollars, but no worries, the mob offered this hit for free. Roselli was said to have declined the money. But the plan did not succeed with their plan to poison him with cyanide.
The same year, Fidel’s girlfriend, Marita Lorenz, a spy of the CIA, planned to kill him with poisonous pills but got cold feet at the last minute. When he confronted her about planning to assassinate him, he told her, “Nobody can kill me. I am Cuba.”

4. Exploding Seashells

Fidel Castro was known for attending private beaches and swimming in the ocean. So the next plan was to In 1963, the CIA planted explosives inside seashells and have them planted by U.S. special forces along the sand. At first, there were supposed to be many smaller shells with explosives, and they all were detonated at once to create a big explosion and take him down. Still, after many trials on a Virginia beach, the CIA decided that was too impractical and thought maybe we do it like the Disneyland submarines and have one giant brightly colored shell containing tons of explosives and take him out it one big blow once remotely detonated. Again, this one never made it from the drawing table. I’m sure one guy was like, “Uh, Bob, this doesn’t sound like it would work. You know, since we’re not in a cartoon and all!”

5. A Diving Suit

The same year, the CIA tried to contaminate a diving suit Fidel would wear with a skin disease-causing chemical, but the U.S. lawyer who had to give him that suit handed him the WRONG suit last minute.

6. A Deadly Speech

The CIA then planned to sabotage his speeches by spraying a chemical in his broadcast room, and the plan was that it would have a similar response as hallucinations to LSD.

7. The Bay Of Pigs Invasion

In 1961, Kennedey’s government launched an unsuccessful invasion of Cuba called the “Bay of Pigs.” After this blunder, the U.S. placed Cuba under a strict embargo.

8. The Cuban Missile Crisis

In 1962, the Soviet Union installed nuclear missiles in Cuba, followed by a 13-day-long political-military stand-off that was feared to ignite a nuclear war known as the Cuban Missile Crisis. The Soviet Union removed the missiles based on agreements that the U.S. won’t invade Cuba.

Castro Got Old

Fidel Castro survived nine U.S. presidents and more than 600 assassination attempts. So what’s the reason for so many failed attempts? The dictator was infamous for stripping away the freedom of the press and was braggadocious about imprisoning tens of thousands of his political opponents. Some would call him one of the most notorious leaders of the 20th century.

At some point, the shenanigans had to stop. In 1976 executive order 11905 was signed by the U.S.’s 38th President Gerald R. Ford and banned U.S. intelligence agencies from committing political assassination. The world might be a little brighter without some of these people walking around for 90 years.