Skillset Fight Club: The Art of Pistol-Whipping

Let’s face it: we currently live in a world where guns rule supreme. But that doesn’t mean you can run around pistol-whipping fools for no good reason.

In this edition of Fight Club, we ask if we inject a gun into the fray, is it still a fair fight? Our answer is a solid Yup! An extra-grande YUUUUPP! If you are molly-whopping your local foo-foo barista on the side of the head for violently lashing out at you for your “toxic masculinity.” That’s right, kids, you can use a gun in a fight without actually “gun fighting.”

One Low Fat Pistol-Whipping to Go, Please

Our scenario begins when you are ferociously attacked by a Crappuccino-slinging soy boy who just got dumped by his sweetie. The sight of your Grunt Style shirt set him off, and instead of letting you exercise your First Amendment right, he decides you should shower in boiling coffee. Little does he know that patriots like us pray for these moments at night before we lay our heads down on our American flag-printed pillows. Let’s get started, shall we?

SKILLSET DISCLOSURE: Not all baristas are snowflakes with extreme cases of Trump Derangement Syndrome. Even though this one is trying to cause you bodily harm, calling the police should be your first option. But if you forgot your phone in the car and are about to get your first layer of skin melted away, feel free to defend yourself with the following steps.

Defanging The Barista

In this photo, our red-blooded American is using his support hand to block a swinging pot of hot Jamaica Gold java from melting off his Sears catalog-model face. With his strong hand, he unsnaps his holster and deploys his firearm.

The Frontal Lobe Clonk

This is one of the most basic pistol-whipping techniques. It takes very little practice to master this strike. All you must do is grip your pistol and swing your pew down in a hammer-fist motion, striking Mr. Coffee’s forehead pretty much right between his lazy eyes.

Picture 4: Jumping The Self-Defense Fence

Right about now, Captain Flavor Crystals is holding his head and trying to keep his distance with one hand, and he is undoubtedly realizing the folly of his ways. We, as educators, must show him that even the most minor mistakes can have the most severe consequences. Our patriot uses his free hand to slap away a silly attempt at putting up a self-defense fence as he clears a path for his next strike.

You must show commitment to fully communicating the value of the lesson you are teaching. — (Photo by Skillset Staff)

The Pulp Fiction Temple Crusher

Now that you have regained a wide-open strike zone, tell this slackjaw to say “What?” again. Wait for the stupidly confused look to form on his face, and as he begins to ask, “What?” strike and strike as hard as you would after swallowing 3 of your morning Advils. Use the inside bottom edge of your pistol magazine to hit the side of the head between his ear and temple.

Never Let Up Until The Threat Is Over

Let’s face it: at this point, you must show commitment to fully communicating the value of the lesson you are teaching. The little dripper has fallen onto his back, clutching his head and yelling something in a foreign language you never learned in high school. Since you have seen it in televised MMA fights enough times to make this move, go ahead and mount the fool.

Use the inside bottom edge of your pistol magazine to hit the side of the head between his ear and temple. — (Photo by Skillset Staff)

Be Creative In Delivering Your Smackdown

It would help to experiment with different pistol grips while administering the pistol-whipping. Be an artist. Flip your pistol over into a reverse ass-kicking grip. Make sure to grip the barrel and keep your index finger tight so you don’t accidentally hit the booger-hook bang switch and shoot yourself in the baby maker.

It would help if you experimented with different pistol grips while administering the people's smackdown. — (Photo by Skillset Staff)

Practicing The 1-2-3-4-5 Knockout

This is where you get your chance to practice repetition. As your opponent turtles up, hopelessly attempting to defend himself from your barrage of awesomeness, swing your pistol back and forth, striking his face, head, hands, and anything else that gets in your way. Repeat these strikes 15-120 times or until you feel your technique is clean and Mr. Maxwell House has received the message.

Swing your pistol back and forth, striking his face, head, hands, and anything else that gets in your way. — (Photo by Skillset Staff)

It’s Time For The Percolator

You have earned a good cup of joe; now is the time to enjoy it. A normally nonviolent UC Berkeley student made a mistake, and you took the time to correct it. Smell the aroma of victory and enjoy that extra cream and sugar. You have made the world a better place.

Are you eager for even more SKILLSET Fight Club? Well look no further: Fight Like A Drunken Master