The world of psychology has been exploring the human psyche since Sigmund Freud was in diapers. The search for an understanding of personalities has been draped in complicated tests and evaluations. Even with all this effort they have yet to come to an agreement on a true measure of personality. As a long-time student of the human condition, I have a secret to share with the psychology world. If you really want to know what a person’s personality is, simply join them at a bar and watch what they order. While people may dismiss this as unscientific, it doesn’t diminish its validity. It will show you both the best and worst of who they are. Because we are friends, I will share my insights with you. Just know that you may not like the deep dark secrets that this exploration into the psychology of booze reveals.

Boozeology: The Psychology of Booze & Drinkers

Tequila Shots

The first order we will look at is the classic tequila shot. You are crying inside and don’t want to waste your time with elaborate cocktails. You will immediately begin to look for others to join you and recount the time you lost your shoes at a bar. Later in the night is filled with Karaoke and painful versions of Sweet Caroline. Without question, you are fun, however.

Espresso Martini

Second is the Espresso Martini. You have deep-seated insecurities and want to be seen as mature and sophisticated. Every time you take the first sip, you slightly wince and comment on how “this one is strong.” Oddly enough though, you really enjoy the taste of this drink. You also have an uncanny knowledge of the stock market and teeter on Rain Man genius with money. 

Jack & Coke

Our next stop on the drink wheel is Jack and Coke. This person is subconsciously dealing with their father being mean to them while young and never receiving validation. They don’t really like whiskey, so they drown it in Coke. They also have a centric playlist littered with songs about whiskey and trucks. On the upside, these people are up and at it every morning regardless of the previous night’s activities. They are also some of the most loyal friends anyone could ask for.

VRB!

Of course, we need to always include Vodka and Redbull. These people can’t decide whether they want to be drunk or spun up like a toddler eating a tub of cake frosting. Generally, they tend to be impatient and respond emotionally rather than logically. They also tend to be more of a free spirit and less stressed about life’s daily ups and downs. 

Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch

A drink that has a split personality is Scotch. This classic drink is the choice of two types of people. First is the one desperately trying to be perceived as mature and cultured. The problem is that they actually hate scotch and feel like they need to punch a wall to get it down. They keep a healthy collection of breath mints they consume later to try and wash away the taste. While they have self-confidence issues, they also tend to be genuinely good people. The second Scotch drinker is the “I don’t give a cluck” person. These people are very set in their ways and know what they want. Most of them have “Get off my lawn” tattooed somewhere on their body so they don’t have to scream it anymore. They tend to be sarcastic enough to bring people to tears, yet they are quick to offer sincere advice. 

Wasted Away Again …

I would be remiss if I didn’t include the Jimmy Buffett staple, the Margarita. People who drink margaritas hate their life and desperately want it to be five o’clock somewhere. They may put on a happy face, but they would rather slap an orphan than clock back in to work. These people have logged extensive time on exotic travel sights and have detailed knowledge of exotic islands in the Caribbean. While salty about having to work at all, they are still reliable and go-to people in all aspects of life. 

Mmm, Beer

Our final category is beer. Not just regular beer but craft beer. Oh lord…where to start? Well, we begin with a heavy dose of precociousness. They usually order the regional craft special made with select water from an artesian well and brewed with special hops found only in some obscure poet’s back yard. It is THEN filtered through the underwear of a local favorite street hippy. They then pontificate on the body and aroma of the beer while actually gagging inside. In all actuality, these are good people. They are simply drawn to the earthy vibe of things. 

Hopefully, this will hit the mark for you, or perhaps you will see it in a friend. Regardless, this tongue-in-cheek psychology deep dive has more validity than most personality inventories we have to suffer through. I hope you enjoyed it, but most importantly, don’t change what you drink because of this. What you like … you like. Be bold and be yourself. Just always drink responsibly.